Global — In a reassuring yet suspiciously well-worded statement, major news outlets have collectively assured the public that their reports are absolutely, undeniably, 100% not generated by AI.
“These articles are written by real, living, breathing journalists with completely human thoughts and emotions,” declared one prominent news organization, whose recent publications include eerily formulaic headlines such as “Everything You Need to Know About [Trending Topic]” and “Experts Warn About [Vague Concern]—Here’s What It Means for You.”
Flawless, Unquestionably Human Writing
Media analysts have pointed out that despite the repeated reassurances, news articles have begun exhibiting characteristics that some describe as “strangely robotic.” Key indicators include:
- Overuse of generic phrases such as “experts weigh in,” “netizens react,” and “the implications might surprise you.”
- Strangely even-toned, unemotional writing that somehow still feels deeply concerned about everything.
- Paragraphs that repeat the same point in slightly different wording to meet arbitrary word count requirements.
- Articles that cite AI-generated reports while insisting AI is not involved.
“I don’t know, man,” said one skeptical reader. “When every article sounds like a Wikipedia summary and uses the exact same sentence structure, I start to wonder if there’s a ghostwriter… or just a ghost in the machine.”
Reporters Insist They Are Real, Totally Real
Some journalists have gone to great lengths to prove their authenticity. One investigative reporter even uploaded a video of himself typing an article in real-time, though experts noted his oddly perfect typing speed and lack of blinking.
“We promise, everything you’re reading is human-made,” he reassured viewers while his hands suspiciously hovered just above the keyboard.
To further combat growing skepticism, news agencies have begun including “Certified Human-Written” watermarks on their articles. However, critics note that the disclaimers were generated instantaneously across multiple platforms—something a human team would likely struggle to coordinate.
AI Denies Involvement
In an attempt to clarify matters, several AI language models have been asked whether they are responsible for writing the news.
“I am not currently employed as a journalist,” one AI system responded before immediately producing a 2,000-word analysis on why AI in journalism is both inevitable and totally harmless.
Meanwhile, readers have continued posting polite reassurances in comment sections, such as:
- “This is a great discussion! Human journalism remains essential.”
- “As a fellow human, I totally agree!”
- “News is better when written by humans—just like this article!”
Experts Call for Further Investigation
Amid rising suspicion, experts insist that determining whether news is written by AI is a complex and ongoing challenge. However, when asked if they themselves were human, several experts responded with statements that were concerningly well-structured.
For now, the debate continues. But one thing is certain: this news is not AI-generated. Definitely not. You can trust us.